[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
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8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint