[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
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e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
#SCOTUS one-star review
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.