Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
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Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
pelicons
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Swedish for common sense.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.