FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
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A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies