Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
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The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree