@pilau

Friend: can I borrow £20?

Me: No.

*slides me £20

Friend: How about now?

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@AnkCoupleTO

Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even

@Godhatespants

I’d explain it to you again but I’m fresh out of crayons and puppets

@panmidwest

ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward

GENE: what is it

ME: hygiene

GENE: hi kev

@BigHeb7

Whenever I’m about to get in a bar fight, I give a karate bow to my opponent in hopes he gets scared and backs out before I piss myself.

@FreudsTwin

I was up all night wondering, if you get fired at the Unemployment Office, do you just switch to the other side of the desk?

@emireecraire

Public transportation not only helps the environment, it also makes you hate the human race

@OH_GAWD_OF_FUNK

If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.

@Ygrene

Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*

@Boleyngirly

Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..