Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
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The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Seductively sings in Klingon.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.