Friend: can I borrow £20?

Me: No.

*slides me £20

Friend: How about now?

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Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even


I’d explain it to you again but I’m fresh out of crayons and puppets


ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward

GENE: what is it

ME: hygiene

GENE: hi kev


Whenever I’m about to get in a bar fight, I give a karate bow to my opponent in hopes he gets scared and backs out before I piss myself.


I was up all night wondering, if you get fired at the Unemployment Office, do you just switch to the other side of the desk?


Public transportation not only helps the environment, it also makes you hate the human race


If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.


Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*


Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..