@_Ms_Moneypenny_

Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁

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@NewDadNotes

[God creates walking]
Humans: nice

[God creates running]
Humans: haha nope

@TragicAllyHere

*being abducted by aliens*

Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?

@thatdutchperson

[trying to sleep]

Me: ok, just breathe and relax.

Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED

@HelenMaryMe

My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink, until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theater.

@JustMeTurtle

I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.

@trumpetcake

People always complain that I’m “out there.” [On the phone. To the cops. While I’m sitting in their birdbath.]

@fart

theres a train nerd counting the number of ppl that get on and off at every stop. at first i pitied him but he seems happy so now i hate him

@winosaurusmom

My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.

@PerryFellow

“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters

@patnspankme

Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?