[God creates walking]
[God creates running]
Humans: haha nope
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
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*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink, until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theater.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
People always complain that I’m “out there.” [On the phone. To the cops. While I’m sitting in their birdbath.]
theres a train nerd counting the number of ppl that get on and off at every stop. at first i pitied him but he seems happy so now i hate him
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?