Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. š
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I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
there is no such thing as a ācoolā 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. thatās it, there is no in between.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said āno, i was born abroadā and then there was a long silence followed by her saying ācan you please help me? i canāt find āAbroadā on this listā¦ā and showed me a drop down list of countriesā¦
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I donāt have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when itās jaywalking.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM š