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@WhaJoTalkinBout: friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
@AmishPornStar1: I'm not saying she's worse than my mom...
But my wife doesn't seem to like any of my girlfriends.
@heymonroe: *notices girl singing song that's on in coffee shop*
Me: You're a Cher fan too!?
Her: Hold on
*takes off bluetooth*
@FredPollack: Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you're dead ... then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
@Freudianscript: I wish I were a celebrity so I could be wearing a person instead of a suit.
@LindaInDisguise: Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma'am?
Me: No. Pizza.