friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
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I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
A sick whale is called an unwhale
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.