FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
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Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me: