Wife just said “burgs” instead of “burgers” and now I’m a little scared to think of what she’s going to do with all the time she saved.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
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Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
I want this election to be over so badly you’d think it was a friend’s play.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
that lip filler tho
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
somebody sell me a flock of sheep so i can give them cool superhero names like bahman, the green lambtern and wonder woolman
? Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ?
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?