That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
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There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geese
Guess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
No, you cannot sleep over.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Sorry I ate your snacks but nothing lasts forever anyway.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
And the Lord said to Peter “come forth and you will receive eternal life”.
But Peter came fifth and won a toaster.