@decentbirthday

Friend: check out my conscience shell

Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*

Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing

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@thestlouisan

Wife just said “burgs” instead of “burgers” and now I’m a little scared to think of what she’s going to do with all the time she saved.

@TheAlexNevil

Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.

@d_haggar

I want this election to be over so badly you’d think it was a friend’s play.

@TheHyyyype

a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick

@edgarrants

Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.

@ramenfuneral

somebody sell me a flock of sheep so i can give them cool superhero names like bahman, the green lambtern and wonder woolman

@CornOnTheGoblin

? Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ?