Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
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when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.