What the hell is going on?
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Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
There’s no “us” in nachos.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.