Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
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the good news is my custom facemask arrived, the bad news is that they printed my face 20% too large
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”