@Vhalechark

Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that

[later]

Me: you have nice eyeball hair

You Might Also Like

@RandiLawson

Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones

@cameronmattis

the good news is my custom facemask arrived, the bad news is that they printed my face 20% too large

@SlabBaconBP

Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.

@TheHyyyype

[i witness a crime]

COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement

ME: ok

[at the station]

ME: a hotdog is a sandwich

@david8hughes

[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.

@Marlebean

I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.

@Dutch_50

Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.

@slimmy_shady

Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”