Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
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“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
This is what makes twitter great
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”