Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that


Me: you have nice eyeball hair

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Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones


the good news is my custom facemask arrived, the bad news is that they printed my face 20% too large


Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.


[i witness a crime]

COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement

ME: ok

[at the station]

ME: a hotdog is a sandwich


[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.


I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.


Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.


Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”