Thanks for being here right on time.
We’ll see you in a few hours.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
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the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
She’s like a cat. I don’t mean in bed, she just ignores me
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
I don’t think people should throw stones in regular houses either.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.