@internetluke

[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat

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@kcmoore51

Thanks for being here right on time.
We’ll see you in a few hours.

– Doctors

@girlnarly

the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers

@sarcasticmommy4

Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.

@BoogTweets

Interviewer: who are these people with you?

Me: My squad.

My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.

@jake_lach

She’s like a cat. I don’t mean in bed, she just ignores me

@Social_Mime

The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”

@AngelaEhh

Kids teach you so many life lessons.

Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.