[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
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COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish