Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
You Might Also Like
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
That earthquake could have been an email.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?