A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
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Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Cndnsd Mlk
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.