Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
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Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Saw online –
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
cat vs inanimate object
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments