Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
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When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.