Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
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Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise