Ten: Number of fingers children have.
Twenty-six: Number of fingers children have when you try to put gloves on them.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
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Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
It’s like my mother always told me, “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”
Then she said I looked fat.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old: The dog.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
Where do I see myself in ten years? I don’t know. Let me think. *pictures self riding jet ski made of bones through space*
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.