Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Yes.

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Ten: Number of fingers children have.

Twenty-six: Number of fingers children have when you try to put gloves on them.


Me: Where do you want to eat?

Her: Wherever you pick is fine.

Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.


It’s like my mother always told me, “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”

Then she said I looked fat.


Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy


First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.







4-year-old: The dog.


DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good

ME: and?

DR. height and weight are both average for her age

ME: and?

DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal

ME: aaaaaaand?

DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore

ME: oh thank god


Where do I see myself in ten years? I don’t know. Let me think. *pictures self riding jet ski made of bones through space*


Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.