Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
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CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
My love language is deader than Latin
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
☺️
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
normalize having existential bread
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.