They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
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My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
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