Friend: Did you eat already or do you want to get food?
Me: Correct.

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The weatherman is telling us to expect 8 to 9 inches, but he’s probably lying.


Bring them an olive branch to show you can forgive but then beat them with it so they know you won’t tolerate their brand of bullshit.


You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.


I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend


Me: why don’t I have a gf

Him: have you tried asking someone

Me: no

Him: like her. Ask her.

Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf


which part of the centaur carries the centaur babies is it the lady torso or the horse torso and why can’t I stop thinking about this


[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here


[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]


My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.