@AbbyHasIssues

Friend: Did you eat already or do you want to get food?
Me: Correct.

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@lwhit_the_boss

The weatherman is telling us to expect 8 to 9 inches, but he’s probably lying.

@brittwastaken

Bring them an olive branch to show you can forgive but then beat them with it so they know you won’t tolerate their brand of bullshit.

@RichHarris2

You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.

@YesItsAl

I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend

@Shenaniglenns

Me: why don’t I have a gf

Him: have you tried asking someone

Me: no

Him: like her. Ask her.

Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf

@iamspacegirl

which part of the centaur carries the centaur babies is it the lady torso or the horse torso and why can’t I stop thinking about this

@david8hughes

[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here

@flashember

[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES

@WritePlay

My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.