@panmidwest

FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?

ME: doesn’t ring a bell

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@KeetPotato

It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.

@LittlestSlobo

The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.

@jazmasta

[speaking to an attractive lady] “How can a beautiful girl like you be single?!”
“Dave, I literally dumped you 5 minutes ago. Please leave”

@DothTheDoth

As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.

@Terfleaza

Told a priest, “Bless you” after he sneezed and he said, “Stay in your lane.”

@Jennabear32819

A cop pulled me over and said ”Papers…” So I said, ”Scissors, I win!” and drove off like a boss!

@robfee

I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.

@fatherofcomedy

A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution

@ArfMeasures

Me *pointing gun* give me all your money

Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol

Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix

Bank teller: you want it in 20s or