FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?

ME: doesn’t ring a bell

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It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.


The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.


[speaking to an attractive lady] “How can a beautiful girl like you be single?!”
“Dave, I literally dumped you 5 minutes ago. Please leave”


As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.


Told a priest, “Bless you” after he sneezed and he said, “Stay in your lane.”


A cop pulled me over and said ”Papers…” So I said, ”Scissors, I win!” and drove off like a boss!


I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.


A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution


Me *pointing gun* give me all your money

Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol

Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix

Bank teller: you want it in 20s or