FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
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I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them