FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?

ME: doesn’t ring a bell

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If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.


[crowded elevator]

Alright I’m a little concerned about the capacity so let’s all go around and say how much we weigh *gets out calculator*


I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.


GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?

ME: Leave that to me.

[later, at dinner]

HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.

ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉


Missed Connection:

I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.


ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you

LION: I just have one of those familiar faces

ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with


doctor: you need to eat healthy

me: no

doctor: the last patient who didn’t change their diet after i suggested it died

me: oh my goodness

doctor: in a plane crash

me: that sounds unrelated

doctor: i’m the one that crashed it. do not disobey me.


I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.


Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?

Trooper: State Police identify yourself

Me: Police identify yourself

Trooper: State Police

Me: Police


A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.