It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
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The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
[speaking to an attractive lady] “How can a beautiful girl like you be single?!”
“Dave, I literally dumped you 5 minutes ago. Please leave”
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Told a priest, “Bless you” after he sneezed and he said, “Stay in your lane.”
A cop pulled me over and said ”Papers…” So I said, ”Scissors, I win!” and drove off like a boss!
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or