Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
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A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
[dinner party]
GUEST: it has come to my attention that one of us is a secret time traveller.
ME: *tasting wine the waiter brought to the table* mmm, what year is this?
[everyone slowly turns their head]
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*