Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
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ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?