Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
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How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me