Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
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[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
You never worry about the size of your doctor’s fingers until you need a rectal exam.
I know this now.
What if you’re a Gift Horse Dentist?
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.