Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?

*later walking home*

Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies

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Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.


[drive-thru at 2am]

Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!

Neighbor’s mailbox: …


I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.


You never worry about the size of your doctor’s fingers until you need a rectal exam.

I know this now.


I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles


If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob


[House hunters]

Pigs: we’d really love a brick house

Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?


“I just called to say I love you.”

-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work


I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.