Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
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Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.