FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
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Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Selfie
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
How funny!
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.