@upsidedowntrash

Friend: Do you know karate?

Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.

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@KeetPotato

sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”

@neiltyson

There’s just no way around this one: YOU MATTER, unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared, then YOU ENERGY.

@electrolemon

why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2

@Browtweaten

dinosaur: omg a meteor

tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*

@steeve_again

[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts

@Probgoblin

You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.

@JohnLyonTweets

And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.

@iwearaonesie

*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok

@WaxDragonflies

Me- wtf who ate all the Oreos??

17-you did. Yesterday. I saw you.

Me- go to your room.