Friend: Do you know karate?

Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.

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sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”


There’s just no way around this one: YOU MATTER, unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared, then YOU ENERGY.


why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2


dinosaur: omg a meteor

tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*


[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts


You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.


And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.


*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok


Me- wtf who ate all the Oreos??

17-you did. Yesterday. I saw you.

Me- go to your room.