FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
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It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
I came this close!!!!
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back