@electrolemon HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
@daddydoubts Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
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@electrolemon 
@hiren_aajra Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
@lazerdoov Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
@TweetPotato314 Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
@dafloydsta [phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
@showerfeelings Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
@TheBoydP Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
@amandajpanda “How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
@Parentpains Apparently “I’ll break your god damn legs” isn’t the problem solving skills that employers are looking for, at least according to HR anyway.
@causticbob God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”