If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
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Why do people say children are the future? They are clearly the present. Old people are the future.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Not saying obamacare is perfect but the data doesn’t lie. With Obamacare there’ve been zero Hitlers. Before obamacare there was at least one
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
“Use your own words don’t just copy from the text book”
Book : She was born in 1986
Me: 1986 is the year she was born
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”