@daddydoubts

Friend: do you regret becoming a father?

Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.

Friend: you want the rest of my fries?

Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.

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@electrolemon

HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked

@hiren_aajra

Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You

@lazerdoov

Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot

@TweetPotato314

Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out

Wife: yes why

Me: my boss fired me today

@dafloydsta

[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL

@showerfeelings

Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.

@TheBoydP

Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.

@amandajpanda

“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”

*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*

Me: Street Fight

@Parentpains

Apparently “I’ll break your god damn legs” isn’t the problem solving skills that employers are looking for, at least according to HR anyway.

@causticbob

God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”