@Rollinintheseat
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
@daddydoubts
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
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@Rollinintheseat
@karencheee
Why do people say children are the future? They are clearly the present. Old people are the future.
@baronvonbike
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
@sageboggs
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
@SoulYodeler
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
@PuncherJetpack
Not saying obamacare is perfect but the data doesn’t lie. With Obamacare there’ve been zero Hitlers. Before obamacare there was at least one
@somecleverthing
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
@EJT___
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
@Benoo_Brown
“Use your own words don’t just copy from the text book”
Book : She was born in 1986
Me: 1986 is the year she was born
@teen_news69
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”