@daddydoubts

Friend: do you regret becoming a father?

Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.

Friend: you want the rest of my fries?

Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.

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@Rollinintheseat

If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British

@karencheee

Why do people say children are the future? They are clearly the present. Old people are the future.

@baronvonbike

I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”

If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.

@sageboggs

Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake

@SoulYodeler

Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–

Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.

@PuncherJetpack

Not saying obamacare is perfect but the data doesn’t lie. With Obamacare there’ve been zero Hitlers. Before obamacare there was at least one

@somecleverthing

Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.

@EJT___

I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.

Quit 1/3 of the way through.

Ended up with a 2Pac.

@Benoo_Brown

“Use your own words don’t just copy from the text book”
Book : She was born in 1986
Me: 1986 is the year she was born

@teen_news69

LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”