Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
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Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Pat is about to own someone
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.