@MelvinofYork

Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what

You Might Also Like

@BuckyIsotope

*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.

@FrenulumBreve

HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?

@lecalabara

Her: Which actress would you like to get stuck in an elevator with? Me: One who knows how to fix elevators.

@thedad

God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*

@Home_Halfway

KIDNAPPER: Get in the van
ME: Oh no thanks I’m vegetarian
KIDNAPPER: Oh okay sorry *drives away*
{15min later}
KIDNAPPER: Wait a minute, wtf

@What_A_Dame_42

Apparently it’s not acceptable to moan when someone is demonstrating a choke hold on you in crisis prevention training.

@Rollinintheseat

Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.

@bridger_w

After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off

@archerenemy

Twitter…because if it can’t be described in 140 characters or less, did it really ever happen?