Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what

You Might Also Like


*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.


HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?


Her: Which actress would you like to get stuck in an elevator with? Me: One who knows how to fix elevators.


God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*


KIDNAPPER: Get in the van
ME: Oh no thanks I’m vegetarian
KIDNAPPER: Oh okay sorry *drives away*
{15min later}
KIDNAPPER: Wait a minute, wtf


Apparently it’s not acceptable to moan when someone is demonstrating a choke hold on you in crisis prevention training.


Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.


After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off


Twitter…because if it can’t be described in 140 characters or less, did it really ever happen?