I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
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Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
What’s so funny?
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real