Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
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How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-