Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
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[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Mission: Impossible
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”