Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
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Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!