Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
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Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Optional boss fight.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.