Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
You Might Also Like
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Seems a bit forward
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year