@nbadag

FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that

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@Ygrene

Me: [trying to act normal]

Nearby Person: hey man are you ok

@GrantTanaka

wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what

@_SingleBabyMama

Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*

Guy: *stunned silence*

-Single Mama on a date

@JiminyKicksIt

It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.

@Emotionalcheese

My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.

@Prof_Hinkley

Someone send this note to my family because I’m not speaking to them right now: if you take your pants and underwear off together, separate them before you put them in the hamper

@KentWGraham

I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.

@RidiculousSheri

‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”

@Bizarro_Mark

Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.