Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
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We are gathered here today because SOMEBODY *glares at coffin* couldn’t stay alive.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
My daughter’s school is selling apples for their band.
If I want to buy a bag of apples for 400 bucks I’ll go to Whole Foods.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Had a lizard walk up in front of me and start doing little push-ups
Like he’s trying to shame for not working out right now