FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that

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Me: [trying to act normal]

Nearby Person: hey man are you ok


wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
wife: calm
wife: peaceful
wife: no witnesses
me: what


Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*

Guy: *stunned silence*

-Single Mama on a date


It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.


My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.


Someone send this note to my family because I’m not speaking to them right now: if you take your pants and underwear off together, separate them before you put them in the hamper


I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.


‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”


Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.