@nbadag

FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that

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@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?

@Loving_Life1996

We are gathered here today because SOMEBODY *glares at coffin* couldn’t stay alive.

@whatmaddness

“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.

@sarcasticmommy4

I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.

So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.

@Artemis_Ascends

Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.

@SaltyCorpse

My daughter’s school is selling apples for their band.

If I want to buy a bag of apples for 400 bucks I’ll go to Whole Foods.

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: What’s that?

Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.

*eats her bacon*

@DevilryFun

Interviewer: We offer great benefits.

Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?

@jwoodham

DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.

@drayzze

Had a lizard walk up in front of me and start doing little push-ups

Like he’s trying to shame for not working out right now