College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues*
*I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
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Her: I’m a model.
Him: Oh cool, what agency?
Her: No, I’m an Instagram model.
Him: Ah ok. I used to be a sniper.
Her: Oh what, in the army?
Him: No, Call of Duty.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
[ new burger joint ]
Me: I hear this place has the best burgers in town
Waitress: Yeah, and we make our own ketchup
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie