*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
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*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.