Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
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Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
I’ve been learning to cook.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
War & Peace
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear