friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.

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TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?

Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me


It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.


The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.


“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”

-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords


Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”


If I say I’m going to meet my maker, it’s just me having lunch with my parents.


I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.


Dessert police! Open up! *breaks down door* Freeze! Cake it easy man, I’m Pudding you in Custardy!

“Ugh, well isn’t this just Flantastic.”


Every year on daylight savings I try to stay awake long enough to catch the government agents coming in through the chimney to change the clocks but i always fall asleep


Friend: I set a new personal record last week

Me: Me too

Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time

Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.