Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
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Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
[trying to be the cool dad]
me: what is up lit fam
15yo: dad, please stop
me: what are the goals of your squad
Thank you for calling. To speak with a human being, please hang up and travel back to the early 1990’s.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Ask her why she looks so tired. That’ll wake her up.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.