@RiotGrlErin

friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.

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@KentWGraham

Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.

@NewDadNotes

[Jeopardy]

Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.

Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.

Me: [buzz] what is summer.

Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.

Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.

@TheMichaelRock

[trying to be the cool dad]

me: what is up lit fam

15yo: dad, please stop

me: what are the goals of your squad

@TommyKarate

Thank you for calling. To speak with a human being, please hang up and travel back to the early 1990’s.

@WheelTod

Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly

Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”

@BuckyIsotope

My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.

@djdarrellripley

Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.

Her: How old is he?

Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….

@Playing_Dad

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.

@squirrel74wkgn

No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.