friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
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Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
My beach vacation Google searches
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
I created you as mosquito food.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.