@JediGigi

Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye

Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped

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@squirrel74wkgn

I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.

@TheBoydP

It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…

@TheToddWilliams

I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.

@BruceForce

Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you

@Skoogeth

bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation

me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey

@TheMichaelRock

The average family income has gone up 2% while the cost of living has increased 23%.

– Me explaining to my son why he can’t have a sister.

@3sunzzz

Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.

Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.

Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?

@FuckabillyRex

Driving around picking up hitchhikers until I find one that’s feeling murdery.

@MaraWilson

I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”

@ddsmidt

Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…

Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*