Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye

Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped

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I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.


It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…


I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.


Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you


bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation

me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey


The average family income has gone up 2% while the cost of living has increased 23%.

– Me explaining to my son why he can’t have a sister.


Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.

Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.

Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?


Driving around picking up hitchhikers until I find one that’s feeling murdery.


I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”


Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…

Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*