Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
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In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Seek kebab; not attention
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”