@krisv_723

*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.

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@misfarber

I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I’m being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I’m talking about

@momsense_ensues

Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?

@primawesome

I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”

@ramblinma

All these people training for marathons and I’m over here, on my couch, trying to lasso the remote with my phone charger.

@thenatewolf

A lot of the classic “cool” behaviors are pretty much just acting like a cat.

@TriciaLockwood

DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party

@GrowlyGrego

*breaks into your house at night*
*finds your bedroom*
*blows on you til you wake up*
HI I’M CHET CAN I INTEREST YOU IN A SECURITY SYSTEM?

@danjan13

Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.

@ndiquote

My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.