There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
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Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
if people really didn’t want to hear smartass responses they wouldn’t keep asking questions like “do you know why i pulled you over?”
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Apparently watching your lover sleep is only romantic when they know who you are.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un
1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.