@krisv_723

*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.

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@abhorrent_wife

There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.

@iwearaonesie

if people really didn’t want to hear smartass responses they wouldn’t keep asking questions like “do you know why i pulled you over?”

@tiffanyaneal

*checks kid’s backpack*

*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*

*zips backpack and walks away*

@Parentpains

Apparently watching your lover sleep is only romantic when they know who you are.

@rmfnord

The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.

@_sshaikhh

Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did

2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un

1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept

@InternetHippo

Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]

@mrtruthandsoul

5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.