*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
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I think my mom just blocked me
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school