Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
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Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen