It’s like Grandma used to say, “All men are hilarious, until you marry one.”
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
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[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
I’m going to nap so hard today, my pillow Is going to need a cigarette when I’m done with it
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
[even smaller panties underneath]
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
My mom watched a whole season of Call the Midwife thinking it was The Handmaid’s Tale. Then she watched Handmaid’s Tale and she still didn’t understand it was a different show. I asked how can you think these two things are the same and she said “The red sweaters.”
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you