friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?

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It’s like Grandma used to say, “All men are hilarious, until you marry one.”


[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.


inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?


Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.

Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.


I’m going to nap so hard today, my pillow Is going to need a cigarette when I’m done with it


[1st night w/Russian bride]

“take yr panties off”

[smaller panties underneath]

“them too”

[even smaller panties underneath]



Him: [sneezes]

Germs: ATTACK!

Her: bless you



My mom watched a whole season of Call the Midwife thinking it was The Handmaid’s Tale. Then she watched Handmaid’s Tale and she still didn’t understand it was a different show. I asked how can you think these two things are the same and she said “The red sweaters.”


If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now


ME: I have an appointment for 1:30

RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?

ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you