I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
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Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Received some very disappointing news today
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF