There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
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In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.